The time I stole my first bootleg CD..

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So growin up, we was all young and thugging (well fronting in my case, as you will later see) and we (“we” meaning my crew of a bunch of dusty headed, brown bill spending youts..and a puerto rican) would often set out dares to eachother when we got bored, to challenge eachothers “manhood”.

Some dares included, hopping on the back of trucks (which i almost fell from), MTA buses (which i did fall from), skating and holding onto the back of cabs (Hey.. skitchin left a very impressionable mark on a brudda) and a host of other ill shit that has prolly left me too concussed to remember.

So on this faithful day, i was dared to steal a rack of bootlegs from the cd man on 14th st…. (to clarify for my hometown readers, not Ocky on avenue B, he was always good people and he had the white tees on deck. Couldnt fuck that up. It was the insanely cross-eyed dude who set up shop in front of moes on 1st ave)

So we was walkin round being bored as fuck wit no money in the pockets but wanted to check out some new music. (Internet downloading hadnt popped yet..can you believe that!?)

We come across homie and his table of cds, which in that time, if you never walked by one,was always a glorious sight. Simple in design yet majestic and accompanied by the slightly hummed music of eunichs. Discovering this new table and location for bootleg cds was like how Christopher Columbus stumbled across America and there was only ONE solution….

CONQUER IT!
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THATSSSSS RAAAAAIGHT  (Young Jeezy voice, or by DMX interpretation, YOUNG CHEEZY!?)

So it was only right, that somebody would call out a dare to run up on homie and take a gang of cds and it was only right, my fool ass accept the challenge. (Oh what it is to be young and seek acceptance from peers…till the arrest record starts to build)

“Mann im bout to rack up!” (My voice. Which most likely sounded like a young Al B Sure at the time)

Yeaaa i spoke a good game but really was nervous as fuck! I mean, i took lil shit before like them addictive ass pecan swirls 6 for a dolla from the corner store and shit like that but now i was taking a huge step forward.(Atleast in my mind)

On the outside im like:
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But really on the inside im like:
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What if i get caught!?
What if im arrested!?
What if my MOMMA FIND OUT!?
Imma catch a beeet-in!!

So as i part ways from my friends, i stand across the street, plotting my moves, waiting for my open oppurtunity to grab and dash.  I feel the moment beginning to engulf me, Im starting to sweat, palms sweaty, im catching tunnel vision like a muuufucka.

I START WALKING OVER TO THE STAND….

Bootlegger: Hey man
Me: Hey maaAan (nervous tremor in my voice)
        Do you got the new…

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Mannnnn i tried to pick up a handle full of cds so damn fast bruh! My feet started moving before my hands could fully grasp most of them as i went full speedy gonzalez on this mufucka! Cds all on the floor, i jus hear shit crashing. I didnt even take time to look at what i took! I run a good 3-4 blocks before i een look at my hand….
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So i look back and the coast is clear, im celebrating! A NIGGA MADE IT! WOOOOOO YOU CANT FUCK WIT MEEEEEE! HAHA!!!!

Ok, so now its the moment of truth.. the 4-5 cds i thought i could grab turned out to be one, but hey i got away wit it im still boss mode!!

Till…A …MUTHA…FUCKA…LOOKS.. AT… THE ..MUTHAFUCKIN..CD
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A FUCKIN 3LW CD!!!

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SONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
3 LITTLE WOMEN B….

IM TALKIN BOUT THE SPANISH CHICK WHO LIVED DOWN THE BLOCK, BITCH WIT THE LISP AND THE DARKSKIN CHICK WIT THE INFERIORITY COMPLEX !!!

I cant make this shit up b…I CANT!

YOO I WAS SOOO SICK DUN!
ALL THAT PLANNING!
STRATEGIZING!!
FOR WHAT!?

Im so damn embarressed about the cd choice, i finally catch back up wit my homies and lie saying i didnt get to grab anything.
Son.. i rather TOOK A L and have em laugh at me for not gettin a cd then tellin em it was 3LW…
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haha fuckalllat.

So i guess that was instant karma for my ass and lesson to stop stealing.

So kids if you come away with anything from this story, DONT STEAL! Especially a funky ass 2 for 5 bootleg cd. But if you must, LOOK AT WHAT THE FUCK YA TAKING!

Tho the album wasnt ALL that bad….

It’s gone be a long 2014 bruh..

Smh I know it has been a while since ya boy Trapavelli P. Dowski has blessed ya with his presence on SHAQFACE with nothing but the holy scripture, words of wisdom to help ya get ya thru ya tarnished lives.

I know the viral streets need some uplifting shit they can relate to. To start off the new year, I am here to bless ya with such a prolific read. Although 2014 has jus started I can already tell its gone be one of them years ya boy will not have a splendid time in smh

Well look here, ya boy decided to get his iTunes up to par. Thought i’d download & reshape my whole discography of tunes. No lie, i spent about 3 hours on my leather couch with a tray of Tostino pizza rolls tryna figure out oldies and new records to bless this laptop. You kno it was a must to get them 2 new Drizzy Graham records on the pc.I Had to redownload them Ron Isley x Kells feud records (ya boy Ron never learned his lesson) & more other baby makin music cause my “for the bitches” playlist was lackin something serious.

Who ever wifi i stole was logged on to must’ve been having a field day. She must’ve had every device logged on that bitch the way my shit was moving.

Well the deed was done, I felt like i accomplished a significant goal. Felt like i was gone start off the new year very well. Nobody could tell me shit, i was untouchable.I had the tunes, multiple themed songs were downloaded to describe every aspect of my life. At this point i was relieved, tired, worn & what better way to get me back in the mood than listening to music?

…..So i’m here enjoyin the juices of my labor. 1st song to play was Avant’s record “Separated“, havent heard this in a minute, plus the situation i was in with my ex, it was so called for.

Boy, when that music proceeded to play, the soothing feelin to my ears had my limbs so relaxed i jus sat back , tray of 2 and half tostino pizza rolls fell on the floor, I ain’t even care.

… Until something real funny happen with the music & boy i tell you this was probably the foulest thing that can happen to a man who spent 3 hrs downloading music. I couldn’t understand why was this happening to me, i aint deserve this shit. I couldn’t believe this, i proceeded to play the next 3 songs and they all had the same thing in common. all these records were CLEAN VERSIONS fam!!

All ya boy heard was mad blank space and replaced words doggy. Shit like “i cant believe i stayed around that DANG long” dang ? really.. dang? foreal fam? the word “damn” was such a bad word we need to re-sculpture the whole record fam? sheeeit.

when i tell you i was highly upset bro… i was HIGHLY UPSET.  Why was there even a clean version to Avant “Separated”? why are there even clean versions in existence? This world is sick for even letting such things happen.

Shit you would’ve thought i downloaded music on HOT97s official website dawg. The engineers who actually take the time to edit good quality music should deserve to feel the wrath of 63 gils fam, don’t nobody wanna pump no clean Ying Yang Twins record in the club fam, We can’t get jiggy to that, thats not the wave at all.  God bless the souls of the DJs who wanna fuck around & play edited records in the club, Got me feelin like im at a middle school prom and shit. there’s def a special place in hell for stunts like that.

“My hitta my hitta, my muh—— hitta”

No nigga.. You gotta be some new nigga to enjoy that tom foolery

If this is the sign of the times, then Its gone be a long 2014..

Court today yall, wish me luck!

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Me: Sure bro, good luck and all lat, what u got knocked for?

Fuck nigga: hopping the turnstyle on 125th

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………………….. 

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Ooooooooooooooooo YALL MUTHAFUCKAS MAYNE!

If its one thing i learned from social media is a nigga (ESPECIALLY born in the 90s) will turn up for some sympathy likes and comments and the “going to court” post has been high on the list of shit to pump.

Now before i continue, let me say, some muthafuckas be REALLY  having to go through it when involving the court system. Shit that involves YEARS and i feel for yall. Being locked up for any amount of time is trash. feel free to post yall shit up cuz who knows next time you’ll have access again. Its still alil drake, but its understandable.

But im talkin to yall, trespassing after dark, open container summons ass niggas who AT MOST will face alil community service acting like ya might have a chance of doing a bid. Yall niggas need to respect yaselves and cut that shit out forreal.

First off dun, im not wasting a prayer for a nigga wit a court appointed lawyer. You bought whatever consequences on yaself when u allowed this struggle lawyer to takeover ya case.
Why should i respect ya situation when u aint een respect ya self to get out of it? Ya lawyer outchere rockin the Tracy Mcgrady cut suit and hush puppies, having to handle 20 cases a day and you expect him to get you the best results?
NIGGA  u aint even got the decency to rock a button up to ya court date! Got the nerve to come in smelling like dank, saggin ya pants and shit.
Mannnnn look, miss me with the bullshit!

Maybe its society glorification of jail life as a symbol of being “Real” that got yall niggas pumping that court talk as if its a badge of honor. You just tellin everybody ya stupid ass got caught.

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Then you got some niggas who post up about court day and then dont respond to any questions for the rest of the day.
WTF!
Niggas out here building anticipation for the let down and shit.
Got me feelin alil bad n shit like..

“Well maybe the nigga did jus get thrown under the jail”
“Maybe i should of been a bit more positive”
“I gotta stop assuming”

Meanwhile that nigga BEEN back home drinkin top pop cola, scratchin his balls, playin 2k n shit not worryin bout a cot dayum thing…

Niggas always hear about the court date but never about the consequences. Why is that?
You see niggas next week posting photos of bottles n weed and niggas dont een shoot ya boy a holla.

Man..fuck yall forreal.

Hope this young mufucka dont knock me the fuck out

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Thank you White America….Thank you smh

Your recent relentless media obsession with videos of these young mufuckas striaght Ahmed Johnson knocking the nas kufi off unsuspecting victims got me side-eyeing the fuck outta any nigga in skinny jeans.

Naow i ain a self hating Coon like that Orville nigga but real is real, these niggas outchere catchin niggas wit the nyquil (dat sleep sleep).

Bruh, since AJ n free left 106th and park ive be living with the objective of laying low and stayin the fuck off worldstar and i aint trying to get caught up in this latest craze. My girl aint gon stay wit me once i get slumped (she black, yes stereotype)

So fuck it, im paranoid…i be dat ..real niggas aint the one catching vics…its yall lil wayne, overly emotional drake listening mufuckas that cant filter out the excessive estrogen being pumped thru ya stereo system. Add that with no pussy on retainer and yall choosing to let that aggression go in the form of a punch.

Fuck dahaat! k dot voice..
Guards all the way up.
Dont come up on me asking shit! I dont care if you need directions, car trouble, need me to claim a kid on taxes (shiiet, women knockin niggas out too!)

I…refuse to get trended topic outchere
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Shiiiet think im playin? Its starting to ruin my life.

Just the other day a nigga step into the mall, u know..looking for the nearest citi trends cuz ive been meaning to step my egyptian garbs up and i find myself at the food court cuz a brother was on lunch nigga time at this point but couldnt decide wat to eat (well take as a free sample, dont judge) .

So i sit and ponder at the delicious delicacies that were on display (strategizing this meal cuz thats how u catch the mudd butt if u just grab any and everything. Again dont judge) and Immediately some ole Don Cheadle, child rebel lookin, African mufucka approach me!
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Now..
first instinct: NA NIGGA I DONT WANT NO OILS AND INCENSE BRUH!

Second instinct: Ahh shit this nigga finna knock my ass out! (faint sound of woooorldstar! In the back of my mind) plus im dolo and security aint finna help me out either cuz these fuck niggas having the time of they life, gleefully riding on dem hovercraft joints smh.

My reaction: Bruh! Back up

Him: brudda, may i intrest you in a Haircut, i work out the barbershop across the mall, 15 dollars..blah blah fuckin blah

(First off, how did Africans find there way into the mall? I thought they all resided in canal st?anyway..)

Now i start to zone off cuz for one, OK..im still standing on my two feet, equilibrium is still on deck…but wait a minute?
Did this fuck nigga really jus ask if i want a haircut? Bruh he trying to say my shit is cooked? Woord? Nan African nigga gotta better hairline than the gawd. Sure, i can use a cut but it def aint gon be by micheal blackson junior doe!

Im i gotta molotov cocktail of destructive thoughts and i start gettin defensive.

Na BROTHER MAN! Im iigh on that na mean.

Him: Ok,Cool..who does ya cuts?
Me: I do
Him: oh i see, thats why ya sideburns is leanin back. Come to my shop and let me fix that right quick.
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Well… aint.. this..a bitch?
This nigga jus passive agressed me!
This nigga dissed me without dissing me?
This nigga made an unfavorable observation that perturbed me for the rest of the day.

Now im walkin around wit the I eat ass face cuz not only am i surprised i didnt get knocked out but now im wondering if my sideburns is really fat joe-in.

Why!?how!?
Wait..maybe i am really crosseyed?
Momma said i grew outta it when i turned 12!
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Nigga need answers B!
AND the French Montana apparel was too expensive dun.

Nigga scressed bruh.

10 things I rather do than play NBA Live 14

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The Interwebz went cray (is that still cool to say?) wit the release of a youtube video featuring a full quarter of EA Sports “had a spark when you started but now just garbage” NBA Live 2014 for the next gen consoles after a couple years hiatus and failed rebranding efforts. EA’s last attempt at a bball game had Andrew Bynum aka Bynum shuttlesworth aka black jesus aka thou shall halt thy pose, of the then Los Angelous lakers seemingly stuck in a crucifixion-esque glitch the internets had a field day with which eventually shut down production of the game and series for the foreseable future and 2k sports being the official champ of basketball sim.
Until this sad 2014 attempt…

Aint shit changed,its like that jilted ex-lover that jus doesnt understand you moved on to better and that they need to accept that.
Instead EA just stands outside ya window playin Drake music waiting to be loved again.
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Hopefully this list of shit I rather do,helps em finally get it!

1. Attend the midnight release of The Hunger Games with my girl.
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Theres not much I hate more than having to watch a crap choice of a movie my girl picks out for a “fun date night” but if im faced with playin NBA live, im out the door and on that line!

2. Sign up for community college.
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Bruh I rather risk student loan debt and mediocre learning from a unrecognized school than to grab the controller and press play.

3. Debate wit an hebrew Israelite on 34th st and Discuss todays mathematics with a 5percenter
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4. Apply for Obama-care
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I will navigate my way through this gawd awful website and risk crashes midway with no fucks given.

5. Listen to a 24hr loop of The south gon hold it down!

6. Rock a Tracy Mcgrady choppa suit to a close friends funeral.
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7. Go to a bar with a shitty wingman
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Straight fuckin up the cutty

8.Drink a bottle of Takka Vodka

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A 750ml for like $5 pretty much guarantees u will be found slumped in an alley with ya pockets inside out. Same shit homie drank before he spent 12 years being a slave.

9. Get Rock bottomed out a burning building

After a couple hospital visits ill be iight.

10.Date a single mother
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Ill be down for that ready-made fam action if need be.

SO NBA LIVE DO YOU GET IT NOW!!? GET THE FUCK ON WIT CHO GAME AND LEEMEEALONE!!?

U MAD?
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Yeaa.. U MAD!

Simon says, you’re doing it wrong!

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Hey kids!
Dont you love the exciting interactive game of Simon Says that test your ability to listen and quickly respond according to what an underpaid teacher who really rather not be in this hood ass school decides to pull out of her sherm induced thoughts?

PAY ATTENTION BECAUSE IF SIMON DIDNT SAY IT!!
DONT DO IT OR YA OUT!!!
Isnt this SOME MUCH FUN???

The laughter, theres sooo much laughter!!!!!
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…Well We’ve decided to completely ruin that experience and HAVE YOU PLAY IT IN SPANISH CLASS!!!!
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BRUH….
How in THE FUCK you think me, a nigga that JUST learned what “mi llamo es” means, is gon survive in a room full of vultures?

Talkin bout some Simone Dicé, da fug?

Lucy been winning this damn game since birth and you want me to compete against that dun?

Son…im so furious niggas thought this was gon help us learn, like a nigga aint been thru ten years of the D.A.R.E program and wasnt high for 9 of em!

Im over here side-eyeing the fuck outta niggas, tryna creep up on the come up of wins but it aint working.
But these fuck niggas caught on and starting throwing up different shit so my fool ass get hit wit the bait and switch and get eliminated.

Yea go on and laugh at the lil black nigga that dont know what an elbow is in spanish, its cool. Bet money u cant do no real nigga shit like dunk a basketball!

Meet me at the Gawd Hour so i can black ya eye before sunset.

Nigga cant get out the first round of this game on some Tracy Mcgrady shit but im spose to be learning?

Mannnnn…Simone Dicé these nuts b!

6 Things You Need To Know Before You Start College!

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Now i know for most young bruhs and bruhzettes its finally time to kiss the hood goodbye. Summer is over and its your first semester in a crappy community college majoring in some shit you prolly wont benefit from once you graduate.

Now if your like me, a typical real nigga, you may not be well prepared for the challenges being unsupervised for the first time will bring.
(Ample time to beat off and white people for example)

Thankfully im here to guide you with 6 things YOU MUST learn to become the Don Catagena of this school shit.

1. These hoes don’t love you dawg.

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Dun last thing you need to be doing is looking for love in college. Dudes often time get gassed off a shorty droppin that snack pack on they head within a few days of meeting her and get the game fucked up.
“Na b, she really likes me”
You’ll be in a world of drake emotions once you realize your love at first sight was really just lust on her end and after that 3 minute encounter she is already on to the next. Dont say i didnt warn yo puke ass when you see her hugged up wit the next fool.

2. Ball the fuck out with that refund check!
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Bruhhhhhhh its MAGIC MONEY!! Dont worry about where the fuck it comes from or how it will hurt u in the long run.

You need the new Jay’s? GET EM!
Xbox one or Ps4? Cop BOTH!

Ball on these fuck niggas while being a fuck nigga in the process! This will prolly be your first and last time having stacks at your disposal.
Gon nigga, BE GREAT!

3. Don’t make your dorm room the “hot spot”.

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Now i know at first it sounds like a great idea, Party 24/7 and become mister popular in the process! …No!
Bruh let me tell you why this no bueno..
Not every hour is party hour, You gon be maaad when u wanna come home from a long day and relax and you open your door to a bunch of stink muthafuckas playing Call of duty and FIFA.
Also you becoming mister popular means the hoes aint gon wan fuck with you “but but i thought that would attract the hoes?”
Naa bruh, by now you’ll have a rep as a party animal/player. No self respecting chick gon wanna be caught dead in ya room due to the stigma involved wit dealing wit you. Best bet is too stay low cuh..

4. Don’t cop weed from the shady black dude on campus.

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This campus drug dealing nigga gon beat you in the head fam. Yea they got that good but niggas factor that long ass trip from the city to the campus into their prices. Coppin Dimes going for 20, 20sacs for $50, PLUS will lie about what they got. Last thing you wanna be is high AND disappointed with the amount of money you coulda saved if you was back home. Them ramen noodles aint woah. Becareful tho, this wave of thinking may make you ponder becoming campus drug dealing nigga.
Fuck with them homegrown white folk selling dat Mid. Yeaa it aint the best but it aint as expensive and you get more bang for ya buck. Fuck all that trying to smoke like a rapper shit. Weed is weed. Get high and shut the fuck up!

5. Stay away from keystone light and Bartons vodka!
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Bruh bruh DONT DO IT! You WILL get worldstar’ed outchere with no fucks given. You wanna be humiliated beyond your wildest imagination anddd not even remember a thing?
I didnt think so..
Now i kno practicing proper judgement at 18 is hard as fuck to do but if you MUST drink let it be by some quality shit. Im sure it sounded like a great idea to play beer pong with shots of 151 before you realized your hand eye coordination wasnt up to par.

6. White people bruh. Cant live with em, Cant live without em.
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Mannn what can i say… Your gon run into the ones who play world of warcraft all day, dont flush toilets, leave hair every fuckin place and use miracle whip.

But..

You’re also gon run into the cool as fuck, smoke you up, play beer pong with, cant dance for shit but stay wit them slores, slightly gay joking (Homie dont play that shit tho! You aint bout to draw a penis on MY face) white folk.

Going through these experiences will in return make you a better individual. They say 90% of what you learn will be outside the classroom, so dont jus stay wit one pocket of friends. Move around, you may never know the benefit of these connections until years later!

Now that you soaked up game, go out and do ya thing with confidence of a fuckin soldier! Jus remember to strap up. Dont be outchere catching da drips! It wont be good for your aura.