N.O.M.E 6 Review

Bruh…. this post is going to be long like this event.
Ok so let me say this, A nigga been rockin wit Smack since the first dvd dropped and introduced battle rap to the world. Back when Mook was running shit, T rex was biting niggas heads off and loaded Lux was Ruthless.(lux beat mook at the knock off jersey spot, idc, idc! GAWD HEAD!)

Ive always been a fan of the sport but as the popularity began to explode from the streets to huge sponsored events leading to some rappers getting paid upwards of 40k for 3 rounds it was just too much going on and i fell off on all the who’s who of the battle rap world.

With that being said, i did still watch battles from time to time and while i heard this would be potentially the biggest event of the year i just had to finally check one out and it was….an experience.

So first off, having never gon to a smack/url event the ticket time said 1pm so i thought 11:30 would be a good time to show up and be around the first people in line cuz niggas will always nig and show up late..

Maannnnn when i tell you that line was already around the damn block i was disgusted with myself as i took the walk of shame to the back..

Until…..

I heard a nigga call out my name! it was a old homie of mines and i went to dap him up and slid in with him around the middle of the line so i was gucci!!! im not sure if niggas felt a way but fuck it.

So now im in the midst of battle rap fans, some were battle rap historians with a roledex of knowledge of every damn battle to have ever taken place. it  was admirable to see how dedicated some really were to the battle rap culture and i realized… well i didnt know shit bout shit!

So as we waiting around for the doors to open up, cameras keep coming around asking battle of the year? Who the best? etc and my best answer was to just shut the fuck up and let the real watchers of the sport answer. Im not bout to make myself look like  a fool in front of these purist.

So its 1pm and SHOWTIME!

EXCEPT

I learned smack likes to be on real nigga time and for my white readers out there, it means LATE NIGGA…..REAL FUCKIN LATE.!!!

DUN..

So we walk in to irving plaza about 1:15pm or so after a crazy as search from ths nypd and immediately do two things. bathroom and drinks. in that order, as i was told to do so by battle event pros. So i come back, get a good spot up front cause crowd wasnt too thick and i start sippen waiting for the first battle….

So now its about 2pm Queenzflip and Jay blac are entertaining the crowd basically tryin to kill time until event starts. It was cool for the first oh, 30 minutes…..

2 and half fuckin hrs later and still no battle!

Bruh…my feet hurting already cuz i was rockin baggy timbs. (which flip tried to cut my ass about but i hit him back with a lil 1 2 cuz im not afraid of the roast!) crowd is getting a bit restless and bored and begin booing for the start. So now im having doubts about ever coming to another event..

So finally at 4 fuckin pm Smack comes out in a toddler size leather coat walking around the stage like he got a wooden peg leg, smiidddddiiiacking all over and the crowd gets hype and the first battle of the night begins,

  Ill Will vs Charlie Clips

Now, im a huge fan of charlie clips since mad cipha days rhyming alongside Jae Millz and Vado as members of  Most Hated. Having watched his battles in the past, while he could easily kill niggas he had recently become hit or miss due to hunger not being there. I thought to myself, Clips is def gon bring it for the Biggest event of the year….right?

ANNNNNNNND i was wrong….again smfh

Nigga was lackluster like a muuuuuufucka. freestyling and stumbling damn near each round. I was disgusted to be honest man, he clearly doesnt give a fuck no more now that he getting wildin out checks. Ill Will, i didnt know too much about other than him battling some nigga with a tongue ring but he KILLED  THAT NIGGA CLIPS. Nigga said, “why guess what room you in when i can blow the whole house up!?

MEAN

3-0 Ill Will

Iigh so after the first battle smack is rushing to the next joint which was :

Tsu Surf vs T-Top 

Surf coming off a string of chokes and Ls had something to prove as he was shaking the room his first round, claiming he was back and we all believed it. T-Top comes after and its lookin like a classic after the first round. Even 2nd round they both were sluggin and the crowd was rockin…then surfs 3rd happen and this nigga deadass chokes again smh. Wasnt a bad battle but surf ruined the classic potential.

2-1 Top

 Next up: Arsonal vs Brizz Rawsteen 

Battle for the most ignorant battle rapper of the world b…

I knew of Ars but i had never seen brizz battle before but the crowd was tellin me i was in for a good one and they wasnt lying. first Ars gon start the round sayin he was retiring tryin to get petty applause from the crowd cuz he must knew he was going to spit struggle bars smh.

Brizz was basically Ars 2.0 as he was..

This..nigga..brizz said,” ill fuck ya mother in the ass and make HER lick it off!”

Nigga 30ed Ars as he fades off into the sunset and into url retirement. Tho, he may not like the way he was sent out and probably will return sometime after he re- evaluates his greens, beans, tomatoe, potato bars.( No…like..he really tried that shit and after an awkward silence his soul burned)

Ok  so after that we had ..

THE BATTLE OF THE FUCKIN NIGHT: CHESS VS AVE 

NIGGA…

Whats to be said about this battle that hasnt been said already?  It was a surprise battle due to the uncertainty of daylyt showing up for his battle against DNA. Which, he didnt smh..

But fuck all that, thank you for not showing up cuz…

This….shit…right here nigga!? 

Wow…. just…wow.

 This was Micky Ward vs Arturo Gatti. Just a slugfest! 

I think i passed out twice from bar overload and cried during Aves Skip to my lou bar. Chess makes you want to go into the nearest projects and piss in the elevator and watch as an unsuspecting tenant steps in that shit. STRAIGHT FILTH.

 We was watching history and single handedly made up for all the previous bullshit of the night. Deciding a winner would be doing this battle an injustice. Chess won, Ave won and more importantly, the fans won. This battle made me forget i tore my acl and mcl in both legs during the event and cant wait to see it on cam. 

“MAIN EVENT” RUM NITTY VS TAY ROC

Shit was wack b, niggas fighting, the energy was gone, my kneecaps were about to buckle, crowd was restless, niggas fought some more, somebody won but nobody gives a shit.

So for my first url event, im not sure if ill go to another one but it was def a memorable time and glad i got to experience it. Im still icing my knees and lower back on some Patrick Ewing shit tryin to recover.
Smiiiddddddaack!

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IM GOING BALD BREH!

 

So first and foremost, i know, i know a brother been away for few joints now and i may have had ya wondering like what the hell happen to shaqface? Some of ya prolly like who or wtf is a shaqface? I dropped the ball and for that, My bad bruh and bruhzettes.

But shit happens nigga…..Bruh pen game was on larry holmes status for a while. And now the hair is following suit…
Cuh ..

The young adonis is catching an unforgiveable L bruh. The George jeff is starting to invade my cerebellum and i cant do nothing right now but

  

Im hurt…..nigga swag levels droppin with every hair follicle lost

Smh the lucious waves starting to look like the big homie Moses came thru parting the sea and shit. Got me contemplating transplating pubes to the top of the dome ,smelling like ass and defeat smh. But shit if lebron cant find the cure,there aint no hope for a broke nigga so it is what it is…

You know, im a fairly confident gangsta (Even with the white man tellin me i cant move up out the mailroom. So ima move this mail while i fuck his wife)  so at first when somebody mentioned i was balding, At the time im playin it to the left like ahhhh fuck outta here  it aint nothin but alil kevin durant going on, ill be iigh its just my wave pattern na mean

(Sidenote but White dude lookin at durant like “yea..you dunk that ball nigger” or am i trippen?)

Till i found out out it was worse then i thought..

First off fuck whoever invented portable mirrors tho forreal cuz yall helped facilitate the ether…
So i decided to check it out.  Standing at my bathroom mirror, turnt around and i begin viewing my male pattern baldness through a lil ass mirror Like…

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN WALKIN ROUND WITH THE GINOBLI!!? 

So immediately, I jump online to backpage  hair loss sites tryin to find a cure. lookin at reviews for all these miracle hair loss sprays and cremes refusing to accept the inevitable. 

For some, the bald head works but naa bruh i aint got the head for it. A nigga out here lookin like J.B smoove aint woah bruh. Smh shit gon kill my clubbin on college nights. I cant be the balding nigga in the club trying to trap a young 20 year old scuzzy no mo.

 So after a few weeks and a stack dropped on hoes  products that didnt work i decided, fuck it. im not gon shave but im not gon worry bout it either. I cant allow the foolishness that was sprayed on Carlos Boozer’s scape to invade my cipher.

 I’ve come to the realization that the gawd is indeed mortal afterall and im rocking to the wheels fall off. Its coo doe cus ill still  slap the kufi off ya niggas who got jokes b.

Salute to the OGs like coolio who aint afraid to say its not over yet. 

We all we got and hopefully more post to come.

The time I stole my first bootleg CD..

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So growin up, we was all young and thugging (well fronting in my case, as you will later see) and we (“we” meaning my crew of a bunch of dusty headed, brown bill spending youts..and a puerto rican) would often set out dares to eachother when we got bored, to challenge eachothers “manhood”.

Some dares included, hopping on the back of trucks (which i almost fell from), MTA buses (which i did fall from), skating and holding onto the back of cabs (Hey.. skitchin left a very impressionable mark on a brudda) and a host of other ill shit that has prolly left me too concussed to remember.

So on this faithful day, i was dared to steal a rack of bootlegs from the cd man on 14th st…. (to clarify for my hometown readers, not Ocky on avenue B, he was always good people and he had the white tees on deck. Couldnt fuck that up. It was the insanely cross-eyed dude who set up shop in front of moes on 1st ave)

So we was walkin round being bored as fuck wit no money in the pockets but wanted to check out some new music. (Internet downloading hadnt popped yet..can you believe that!?)

We come across homie and his table of cds, which in that time, if you never walked by one,was always a glorious sight. Simple in design yet majestic and accompanied by the slightly hummed music of eunichs. Discovering this new table and location for bootleg cds was like how Christopher Columbus stumbled across America and there was only ONE solution….

CONQUER IT!

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THATSSSSS RAAAAAIGHT  (Young Jeezy voice, or by DMX interpretation, YOUNG CHEEZY!?)

So it was only right, that somebody would call out a dare to run up on homie and take a gang of cds and it was only right, my fool ass accept the challenge. (Oh what it is to be young and seek acceptance from peers…till the arrest record starts to build)

“Mann im bout to rack up!” (My voice. Which most likely sounded like a young Al B Sure at the time)

Yeaaa i spoke a good game but really was nervous as fuck! I mean, i took lil shit before like them addictive ass pecan swirls 6 for a dolla from the corner store and shit like that but now i was taking a huge step forward.(Atleast in my mind)

On the outside im like:

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But really on the inside im like:

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What if i get caught!?
What if im arrested!?
What if my MOMMA FIND OUT!?
Imma catch a beeet-in!!

So as i part ways from my friends, i stand across the street, plotting my moves, waiting for my open oppurtunity to grab and dash.  I feel the moment beginning to engulf me, Im starting to sweat, palms sweaty, im catching tunnel vision like a muuufucka.

I START WALKING OVER TO THE STAND….

Bootlegger: Hey man
Me: Hey maaAan (nervous tremor in my voice)
        Do you got the new…

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Mannnnn i tried to pick up a handle full of cds so damn fast bruh! My feet started moving before my hands could fully grasp most of them as i went full speedy gonzalez on this mufucka! Cds all on the floor, i jus hear shit crashing. I didnt even take time to look at what i took! I run a good 3-4 blocks before i een look at my hand….


So i look back and the coast is clear, im celebrating! A NIGGA MADE IT! WOOOOOO YOU CANT FUCK WIT MEEEEEE! HAHA!!!!

Ok, so now its the moment of truth.. the 4-5 cds i thought i could grab turned out to be one, but hey i got away wit it im still boss mode!!

Till…A …MUTHA…FUCKA…LOOKS.. AT… THE ..MUTHAFUCKIN..CD
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A FUCKIN 3LW CD!!!

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SONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
3 LITTLE WOMEN B….

IM TALKIN BOUT THE SPANISH CHICK WHO LIVED DOWN THE BLOCK, BITCH WIT THE LISP AND THE DARKSKIN CHICK WIT THE INFERIORITY COMPLEX !!!

I cant make this shit up b…I CANT!

YOO I WAS SOOO SICK DUN!
ALL THAT PLANNING!
STRATEGIZING!!
FOR WHAT!?

Im so damn embarressed about the cd choice, i finally catch back up wit my homies and lie saying i didnt get to grab anything.
Son.. i rather TOOK A L and have em laugh at me for not gettin a cd then tellin em it was 3LW…

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haha fuckalllat.

So i guess that was instant karma for my ass and lesson to stop stealing.

So kids if you come away with anything from this story, DONT STEAL! Especially a funky ass 2 for 5 bootleg cd. But if you must, LOOK AT WHAT THE FUCK YA TAKING!

Tho the album wasnt ALL that bad….

It’s gone be a long 2014 bruh..

Smh I know it has been a while since ya boy Trapavelli P. Dowski has blessed ya with his presence on SHAQFACE with nothing but the holy scripture, words of wisdom to help ya get ya thru ya tarnished lives.

I know the viral streets need some uplifting shit they can relate to. To start off the new year, I am here to bless ya with such a prolific read. Although 2014 has jus started I can already tell its gone be one of them years ya boy will not have a splendid time in smh

Well look here, ya boy decided to get his iTunes up to par. Thought i’d download & reshape my whole discography of tunes. No lie, i spent about 3 hours on my leather couch with a tray of Tostino pizza rolls tryna figure out oldies and new records to bless this laptop. You kno it was a must to get them 2 new Drizzy Graham records on the pc.I Had to redownload them Ron Isley x Kells feud records (ya boy Ron never learned his lesson) & more other baby makin music cause my “for the bitches” playlist was lackin something serious.

Who ever wifi i stole was logged on to must’ve been having a field day. She must’ve had every device logged on that bitch the way my shit was moving.

Well the deed was done, I felt like i accomplished a significant goal. Felt like i was gone start off the new year very well. Nobody could tell me shit, i was untouchable.I had the tunes, multiple themed songs were downloaded to describe every aspect of my life. At this point i was relieved, tired, worn & what better way to get me back in the mood than listening to music?

…..So i’m here enjoyin the juices of my labor. 1st song to play was Avant’s record “Separated“, havent heard this in a minute, plus the situation i was in with my ex, it was so called for.

Boy, when that music proceeded to play, the soothing feelin to my ears had my limbs so relaxed i jus sat back , tray of 2 and half tostino pizza rolls fell on the floor, I ain’t even care.

… Until something real funny happen with the music & boy i tell you this was probably the foulest thing that can happen to a man who spent 3 hrs downloading music. I couldn’t understand why was this happening to me, i aint deserve this shit. I couldn’t believe this, i proceeded to play the next 3 songs and they all had the same thing in common. all these records were CLEAN VERSIONS fam!!

All ya boy heard was mad blank space and replaced words doggy. Shit like “i cant believe i stayed around that DANG long” dang ? really.. dang? foreal fam? the word “damn” was such a bad word we need to re-sculpture the whole record fam? sheeeit.

when i tell you i was highly upset bro… i was HIGHLY UPSET.  Why was there even a clean version to Avant “Separated”? why are there even clean versions in existence? This world is sick for even letting such things happen.

Shit you would’ve thought i downloaded music on HOT97s official website dawg. The engineers who actually take the time to edit good quality music should deserve to feel the wrath of 63 gils fam, don’t nobody wanna pump no clean Ying Yang Twins record in the club fam, We can’t get jiggy to that, thats not the wave at all.  God bless the souls of the DJs who wanna fuck around & play edited records in the club, Got me feelin like im at a middle school prom and shit. there’s def a special place in hell for stunts like that.

“My hitta my hitta, my muh—— hitta”

No nigga.. You gotta be some new nigga to enjoy that tom foolery

If this is the sign of the times, then Its gone be a long 2014..

Court today yall, wish me luck!

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Me: Sure bro, good luck and all lat, what u got knocked for?

Fuck nigga: hopping the turnstyle on 125th

…….

…………

………………….. 

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Ooooooooooooooooo YALL MUTHAFUCKAS MAYNE!

If its one thing i learned from social media is a nigga (ESPECIALLY born in the 90s) will turn up for some sympathy likes and comments and the “going to court” post has been high on the list of shit to pump.

Now before i continue, let me say, some muthafuckas be REALLY  having to go through it when involving the court system. Shit that involves YEARS and i feel for yall. Being locked up for any amount of time is trash. feel free to post yall shit up cuz who knows next time you’ll have access again. Its still alil drake, but its understandable.

But im talkin to yall, trespassing after dark, open container summons ass niggas who AT MOST will face alil community service acting like ya might have a chance of doing a bid. Yall niggas need to respect yaselves and cut that shit out forreal.

First off dun, im not wasting a prayer for a nigga wit a court appointed lawyer. You bought whatever consequences on yaself when u allowed this struggle lawyer to takeover ya case.
Why should i respect ya situation when u aint een respect ya self to get out of it? Ya lawyer outchere rockin the Tracy Mcgrady cut suit and hush puppies, having to handle 20 cases a day and you expect him to get you the best results?
NIGGA  u aint even got the decency to rock a button up to ya court date! Got the nerve to come in smelling like dank, saggin ya pants and shit.
Mannnnn look, miss me with the bullshit!

Maybe its society glorification of jail life as a symbol of being “Real” that got yall niggas pumping that court talk as if its a badge of honor. You just tellin everybody ya stupid ass got caught.

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Then you got some niggas who post up about court day and then dont respond to any questions for the rest of the day.
WTF!
Niggas out here building anticipation for the let down and shit.
Got me feelin alil bad n shit like..

“Well maybe the nigga did jus get thrown under the jail”
“Maybe i should of been a bit more positive”
“I gotta stop assuming”

Meanwhile that nigga BEEN back home drinkin top pop cola, scratchin his balls, playin 2k n shit not worryin bout a cot dayum thing…

Niggas always hear about the court date but never about the consequences. Why is that?
You see niggas next week posting photos of bottles n weed and niggas dont een shoot ya boy a holla.

Man..fuck yall forreal.

Hope this young mufucka dont knock me the fuck out

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Thank you White America….Thank you smh

Your recent relentless media obsession with videos of these young mufuckas striaght Ahmed Johnson knocking the nas kufi off unsuspecting victims got me side-eyeing the fuck outta any nigga in skinny jeans.

Naow i ain a self hating Coon like that Orville nigga but real is real, these niggas outchere catchin niggas wit the nyquil (dat sleep sleep).

Bruh, since AJ n free left 106th and park ive be living with the objective of laying low and stayin the fuck off worldstar and i aint trying to get caught up in this latest craze. My girl aint gon stay wit me once i get slumped (she black, yes stereotype)

So fuck it, im paranoid…i be dat ..real niggas aint the one catching vics…its yall lil wayne, overly emotional drake listening mufuckas that cant filter out the excessive estrogen being pumped thru ya stereo system. Add that with no pussy on retainer and yall choosing to let that aggression go in the form of a punch.

Fuck dahaat! k dot voice..
Guards all the way up.
Dont come up on me asking shit! I dont care if you need directions, car trouble, need me to claim a kid on taxes (shiiet, women knockin niggas out too!)

I…refuse to get trended topic outchere
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Shiiiet think im playin? Its starting to ruin my life.

Just the other day a nigga step into the mall, u know..looking for the nearest citi trends cuz ive been meaning to step my egyptian garbs up and i find myself at the food court cuz a brother was on lunch nigga time at this point but couldnt decide wat to eat (well take as a free sample, dont judge) .

So i sit and ponder at the delicious delicacies that were on display (strategizing this meal cuz thats how u catch the mudd butt if u just grab any and everything. Again dont judge) and Immediately some ole Don Cheadle, child rebel lookin, African mufucka approach me!
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Now..
first instinct: NA NIGGA I DONT WANT NO OILS AND INCENSE BRUH!

Second instinct: Ahh shit this nigga finna knock my ass out! (faint sound of woooorldstar! In the back of my mind) plus im dolo and security aint finna help me out either cuz these fuck niggas having the time of they life, gleefully riding on dem hovercraft joints smh.

My reaction: Bruh! Back up

Him: brudda, may i intrest you in a Haircut, i work out the barbershop across the mall, 15 dollars..blah blah fuckin blah

(First off, how did Africans find there way into the mall? I thought they all resided in canal st?anyway..)

Now i start to zone off cuz for one, OK..im still standing on my two feet, equilibrium is still on deck…but wait a minute?
Did this fuck nigga really jus ask if i want a haircut? Bruh he trying to say my shit is cooked? Woord? Nan African nigga gotta better hairline than the gawd. Sure, i can use a cut but it def aint gon be by micheal blackson junior doe!

Im i gotta molotov cocktail of destructive thoughts and i start gettin defensive.

Na BROTHER MAN! Im iigh on that na mean.

Him: Ok,Cool..who does ya cuts?
Me: I do
Him: oh i see, thats why ya sideburns is leanin back. Come to my shop and let me fix that right quick.
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Well… aint.. this..a bitch?
This nigga jus passive agressed me!
This nigga dissed me without dissing me?
This nigga made an unfavorable observation that perturbed me for the rest of the day.

Now im walkin around wit the I eat ass face cuz not only am i surprised i didnt get knocked out but now im wondering if my sideburns is really fat joe-in.

Why!?how!?
Wait..maybe i am really crosseyed?
Momma said i grew outta it when i turned 12!
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Nigga need answers B!
AND the French Montana apparel was too expensive dun.

Nigga scressed bruh.

10 things I rather do than play NBA Live 14

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The Interwebz went cray (is that still cool to say?) wit the release of a youtube video featuring a full quarter of EA Sports “had a spark when you started but now just garbage” NBA Live 2014 for the next gen consoles after a couple years hiatus and failed rebranding efforts. EA’s last attempt at a bball game had Andrew Bynum aka Bynum shuttlesworth aka black jesus aka thou shall halt thy pose, of the then Los Angelous lakers seemingly stuck in a crucifixion-esque glitch the internets had a field day with which eventually shut down production of the game and series for the foreseable future and 2k sports being the official champ of basketball sim.
Until this sad 2014 attempt…

Aint shit changed,its like that jilted ex-lover that jus doesnt understand you moved on to better and that they need to accept that.
Instead EA just stands outside ya window playin Drake music waiting to be loved again.
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Hopefully this list of shit I rather do,helps em finally get it!

1. Attend the midnight release of The Hunger Games with my girl.
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Theres not much I hate more than having to watch a crap choice of a movie my girl picks out for a “fun date night” but if im faced with playin NBA live, im out the door and on that line!

2. Sign up for community college.
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Bruh I rather risk student loan debt and mediocre learning from a unrecognized school than to grab the controller and press play.

3. Debate wit an hebrew Israelite on 34th st and Discuss todays mathematics with a 5percenter
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4. Apply for Obama-care
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I will navigate my way through this gawd awful website and risk crashes midway with no fucks given.

5. Listen to a 24hr loop of The south gon hold it down!

6. Rock a Tracy Mcgrady choppa suit to a close friends funeral.
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7. Go to a bar with a shitty wingman
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Straight fuckin up the cutty

8.Drink a bottle of Takka Vodka

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A 750ml for like $5 pretty much guarantees u will be found slumped in an alley with ya pockets inside out. Same shit homie drank before he spent 12 years being a slave.

9. Get Rock bottomed out a burning building

After a couple hospital visits ill be iight.

10.Date a single mother
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Ill be down for that ready-made fam action if need be.

SO NBA LIVE DO YOU GET IT NOW!!? GET THE FUCK ON WIT CHO GAME AND LEEMEEALONE!!?

U MAD?
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Yeaa.. U MAD!